The Colonial House

Today I was driving down Monroe Street coming back from the bank and I noticed this old run-down building that used to be this semi-fancy restaurant. I probably pass this building everyday at least 2 or 3 times but never really paid any attention to it. I remember it had rather large fires in it twice back when I was a kid. It made me start thinking and I'm pretty sure this was arson for insurance reasons. I don't know any of this for certain, but it's the only explanation I could think of for one business having two major fires. That's become rather common in this area since people cannot get any value from their homes or businesses and most everyone is out of work so this seems like the only way out without losing everything. Anyways, this happened years ago and what is left is this boarded up building with a rusted out sign and an advertisement that the land is available for lease. I don't know the specifics of the story or what happened, but this lot has been vacant since long before I even left for college in 2001.

Looking back this area was on the decline long before I bothered to notice. Business after business shutting their doors, people packing up and leaving in droves, massive amounts of foreclosures and somehow I'm here. I'm pretty sure that I'm one of the few that want to be here. An exception to the rule I guess. Whenever I go out to a bar, I'm met with the same questions each time I show my Washington state ID card: why the fuck are you here? It's too complicated to explain to a stranger but I always say the same thing: I have no idea. But the truth is, I do know and I don't regret it in the slightest. I anticipate there will be many more buildings that end up like the Colonial House and I anticipate there will be many more hurdles in my life before I feel grounded again and all of that just makes me think that I'm exactly where I belong.

Unemployment

I don't think you can quite experience feeling stir crazy until you are unemployed and back in your hometown, which just so happens to be the heart of the rust belt. My days usually start around 10-11am, which isn't by choice... if I could sleep longer, it might keep that agitated feeling at bay. But anyways, that's not the point. My first thought when I wake up every day is usually wondering how I can possibly fall back asleep and make the day go by quicker. Then after tossing and turning for at least 30 minutes I get up and get dressed. I don't shower every single day because who's really paying attention? I muster up the small amount of energy I have, go to the bathroom, brush my teeth and then take my medication. This is where things start to get grim. It might seem simple but every morning that I do this, I know it's one morning closer to when I will lose my health insurance and have to go cold-turkey off of this shit that quite honestly saved my life. Every morning I fear for my life to some extent. I don't mean to be dramatic here, but if you had spoken with me early in 2008, you would understand exactly what I mean by this. Without work, I have very little to occupy the vast amounts of free time that I have except constant worry and anxiety.

Unemployment seems like a nice break to do things you wouldn't have time to do if you were working, but this is very far from the truth for the most part. I do spend some of the time playing music and writing, but I feel my brain is blocked by more intrusive thoughts most days, which paralyze me to some extent. The reality of unemployment is that most of your days are spent worrying about finances, figuring out how to get by, applying for jobs in a state where there are none, and for me, awaiting a very harsh reality when the detox begins. This is when I pull up my blanket, sit on the couch in the living room and watch Jeopardy re-runs, anxiously awaiting sleep.

canada kills

random shit on my brain:


- im in love with the most amazing person in the world. nik and i have the best communication and fun of anyone i have ever known. she knows me well enough to truly know what's good for me, not just what she wants to be good for me. she's beautiful, selfless, and one of the kindest people i've ever met.

- im not that excited about vancouver. it seems to be an ok place, but not THAT amazing.

- i hate border patrol. they make me feel like a felon when im not doing anything wrong.

- i am registered for classes and excited about it.

- nik and i are finally getting motivated about working on music seriously. we're both fed up with our intense level of procrastination.

- in regards to vancouver... my liver hurts.

- i love seattle.

- student loans freak me out.

the seattle fam

so last week my bff from michigan/louisiana moved to seattle and is living with nik and i. we will likely get a bigger place soon. it is so much fun hanging out with megs. yesterday we went to discovery park and hiked a few miles through the most gorgeous woods to the beach. when we left the beach, we could hear some sea lions (or something) barking on the beach. it was a lot of fun. here's some pics:

megs looking for weird wood things:


me in some water shoes:


getting meghan away from the blackberries was extremely difficult. i think by the end of the day, she had consumed roughly 2 or 3 pounds of blackberries.

Sarah Rhoads Photo

our friend sarah rhoads is a kick ass photographer and took us out on an adventure sunday to get pictures of nik and i. despite many moments of me feeling awkward, she seemed to capture every moment of us being ourselves. if you have any need for photos, she is amazing. here are some samples from sunday:

then and now

i just got the new iLife from this girl at my work and i was checking out the new iPhoto and found some photos of myself that i havent seen since they were taken about 3 years ago. normally i feel some nostalgia when i look at old photographs, but what i saw was a complete stranger to me. that period of my life i truly morphed into something i was not. i dont have a specific reason, it just happened and i never noticed the change happening. looking back a few people thought of this as one of the healthier periods of my life. this thought really scares me. i was living a complete lie to myself and i was extremely unhealthy. i wore women's clothes and grew my hair long. this was the only time in my life i tried to live in a feminine way--and it wasn't so bad so long as i had a slew of drugs in my system to make me numb to it. it got to a point a few times where i looked really sickly from a lack of nutrition. it wasn't an eating disorder per se, more just me forgetting that my body was hungry from the intense amount of drugs i was taking. i cant really blame anything or anyone. it's a period of my life that i gradually lost myself to. what's odd to me is how much i don't remember. i guess it makes sense when you're using drugs... but i found these pictures of myself and i truly feel like i was sleeping through those years and someone else took over my body. i dont mean to be dramatic. of course there were good times, ive got the pictures to prove it. but when i see them, i see an opiate-smile and a person attempting to trick themselves.

if you were hoping to see these photos, too bad bitches.

......

I think I am giving up on blogging anything personal here. Everytime I sit down with the best of intentions but the truth is, most of the people who come to read this are people I wouldn't want to know the things I need to say. I can't really control who views this page and knowing that inhibits me from writing what I want to, and that makes this about as worthless as a family newsletter in terms of unimportant updates. Nik and I will likely continue to post periodic updates in the more general sense of things (that's pretty much all we've done anyways).

I will continue the more personal things under Myspace (with protections) so only like 2 people can read them or just a regular notebook. A lot is going on right now and I really need to write somewhere. If you can't view my Myspace entries, don't be insulted, most people can't (even really close friends). I'm not really using it like a blog, more of a journal for my use and that of 1 or 2 close friends. Not that I have anything of great importance to say, I just don't feel like being an exhibitionist about any of it.

tired

sorry it has been so long since we've updated. today is the first day i feel up to being on my computer. more updates to come soon.