Sarah Rhoads Photo

our friend sarah rhoads is a kick ass photographer and took us out on an adventure sunday to get pictures of nik and i. despite many moments of me feeling awkward, she seemed to capture every moment of us being ourselves. if you have any need for photos, she is amazing. here are some samples from sunday:

then and now

i just got the new iLife from this girl at my work and i was checking out the new iPhoto and found some photos of myself that i havent seen since they were taken about 3 years ago. normally i feel some nostalgia when i look at old photographs, but what i saw was a complete stranger to me. that period of my life i truly morphed into something i was not. i dont have a specific reason, it just happened and i never noticed the change happening. looking back a few people thought of this as one of the healthier periods of my life. this thought really scares me. i was living a complete lie to myself and i was extremely unhealthy. i wore women's clothes and grew my hair long. this was the only time in my life i tried to live in a feminine way--and it wasn't so bad so long as i had a slew of drugs in my system to make me numb to it. it got to a point a few times where i looked really sickly from a lack of nutrition. it wasn't an eating disorder per se, more just me forgetting that my body was hungry from the intense amount of drugs i was taking. i cant really blame anything or anyone. it's a period of my life that i gradually lost myself to. what's odd to me is how much i don't remember. i guess it makes sense when you're using drugs... but i found these pictures of myself and i truly feel like i was sleeping through those years and someone else took over my body. i dont mean to be dramatic. of course there were good times, ive got the pictures to prove it. but when i see them, i see an opiate-smile and a person attempting to trick themselves.

if you were hoping to see these photos, too bad bitches.

......

I think I am giving up on blogging anything personal here. Everytime I sit down with the best of intentions but the truth is, most of the people who come to read this are people I wouldn't want to know the things I need to say. I can't really control who views this page and knowing that inhibits me from writing what I want to, and that makes this about as worthless as a family newsletter in terms of unimportant updates. Nik and I will likely continue to post periodic updates in the more general sense of things (that's pretty much all we've done anyways).

I will continue the more personal things under Myspace (with protections) so only like 2 people can read them or just a regular notebook. A lot is going on right now and I really need to write somewhere. If you can't view my Myspace entries, don't be insulted, most people can't (even really close friends). I'm not really using it like a blog, more of a journal for my use and that of 1 or 2 close friends. Not that I have anything of great importance to say, I just don't feel like being an exhibitionist about any of it.